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A Woman’s 5 Rules to Men for Wearing an Argyle Sweater Vest

The Captain Morgan Sweater Vest Pose

1. You are considered a 5 or above

This scale is strict. If you are not above a 5 on the attractiveness scale than do not even waste money on an argyle sweater, you cannot pull it off.

Ugly Argyle Sweater
Ugly Argyle Sweater

 

2. Have a completely flat stomach & no love handles

You do not have to be Nick Jonas, or Zac Efron to wear an Argyle Sweater Vest, but you most assuredly need to keep that beer belly away. There’s nothing worse than a man wearing a tight argyle sweater with his Kangaroo pouch, and handles shaping out the vest to make a makeshift male muffin top.

Nick Jonas
Nick Jonas

3. Not to a business function-

Are you kidding? Even around Christmas argyle sweater vests are not appropriate within any business related functions, even holiday parties. If you want to be taken seriously get a well fit suit to bring to the office, and have some self-respect because my grandfather wears an argyle sweater vest around the holidays.

Christmas Argyle Sweater Vest
Christmas Argyle Sweater Vest

I enjoy mature men, but I do not enjoy ‘em that old

4. April-October

Okay, this should not have to be said. However it must be noted anyone wearing an argyle sweater vest at this time of year deserves a swift kick in the nuts as they are as stupid as people wearing shorts in the dead of winter.

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Shorts On Campus In January
Shorts On Campus In January

Now this seems stupid, but we have all seen someone on campus in 13 degree weather wearing shorts. Just waiting for the one frat boy who thinks it’s ironic or cute to dress up in an argyle sweater vest in June.

5. Go With Solids Underneath or Over

The argyle has enough character to put the ensemble together. Adding a pattern to go beneath the argyle would be like putting broccoli in a smoothie. It may be good for you when by itself, but mixed with any other ingredients it can ruin everything.

Bad Argyle Sweater Vest Undershirt
Bad Argyle Sweater Vest Undershirt

Conversely a jacket to go over this vest must also be a solid. A word to the wise, if it is a darkly colored vest use a light colored jacket like grey, or if it is a lightly colored vest go with.

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