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10 Ivy League Alumni That Changed the World !

If you want to change the world, first  learn from people who already have… Here are 10 Ivy League Alumni that changed the world! Our list covers a range of different positions : inventors, scientist, politicians, business leaders, &  aviator. Each person has changed the world and history in their own way!

1.

John F. Kennedy 

Became President in 1960. Leader during the ‘Cuban Missile Crisis’, Kennedy’s life was cut short when he was assassinated (1963) in Texas.

* Famous quote:

“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

Alma mater: Harvard University 

 

2. Jeff Bezos 

Bezos is about to become the richest person in the world (in a race with Bill Gates) and the first Trillionaire ! It all started selling books on the internet with a company called AMAZON. Today the market cap of Amazon is $445.28 Billion.

*Famous Quote: “A brand for a company is like a reputation for a person. You earn reputation by trying to do hard things well.”

Alma mater: Princeton University

3. Amelia Earhart 

Earhart was the first female pilot to fly over the the Atlantic in 1937. Mysteriously disappeared on a world flight attempt.

*Famous Quote:

“The most effective way to do it, is to do it.”

Alma mater: Columbia * Dropped out in 1919 after one year of medical studies

 

4.

John Adams 

Served as the 2nd US President. Adams played a leading role in persuading congress to declare independence.

*Famous Quote:

” Liberty cannot be preserved without general knowledge among the people.”

Alma mater: Harvard University 

 

5.

Elon Musk 

Musk is changing the world with space exploration, transport and energy solutions. He is the founder of Tesla!

*Famous Quote;
“Some people don’t like change, but you need to embrace change if the alternative is disaster.” 

Alma mater: UPENN, Stanford 

6.

Eli Whitney 

An inventor, Whitney is famous for inventing  the ‘Cotton Gin’ which was an important invention for starting the industrial revolution in the South.

Cotton Gin Patent!

 

Alma mater: Yale 

7.

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Theodore Roosevelt 

Became the 26th President of the US. A supporter of the Progressive Era, Roosevelt regulated railroads and started construction on the Panama Canal. Won the 1906 Nobel Peace Prize for brokering the end of a war.

*Famous quote:

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”

Alma mater: Harvard University, Columbia Law School 

 

8.

Woodrow Wilson

 

The 28th President of the US. Leader during WW1, signed the Treaty of Versailles, &  championed the League of Nations. Wilson suffered from bad strokes while still in the white house.

*Famous Quote:

” I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow.” 

Alma mater: Princeton University, John Hopkins University 

Now Read! If Hogwarts Were Ivy League Schools 

9. Hillary Clinton 

Which Ivy League?

First women to be elected as a presidential nominee for the scandalous and doomed Democratic party bid in 2016!

*Famous quote:

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”

Alma mater: Yale 

10.

Ernest Everett Just

An African-American biologist and teacher, Everett Just is celebrated for his discoveries regarding cells.

Alma mater: Dartmouth College, University of Chicago

Ask not what your ivy league education can do for you, ask what you can do for your ivy league education… 

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10 Weird Ivy League Facts !

You Probably Didn’t Know This About Your School! 10 Weird Ivy League Facts…

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    Penn: 

1) It is a tradition to throw toast on the field during all football games played at home. This tradition dates back to prohibition when the school banned alcohol. The school fight song, “Here’s a toast to dear old Penn,” was taken a bit more literally back then.

2) The first general-purpose electronic computer was born in 1946 at the Moore School of Electrical Engineering.

3) Donald Trump, Tory Burch, Noam Chomsky, John Legend, and the current president of Harvard are all Penn Alumni.

Which Ivy League?

Princeton:

1) In Autumn freshman and sophomores compete in Cane Spree, where a student from each year will grapple for control of a cane. The purpose of this strange tradition comes from an event in 1870 where sophomores took all of the freshmans  fancy canes and beat them with them.

2)  Almost half of renters in Princeton pay over 30% of their monthly salary on housing costs.

3) Intellectuals that researched at or attended Princeton include Albert Einstein, John F. Nash, and F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Yale:

1) The first Chinese graduate of a Western institution came to Yale in 1850.

2)  Yale’s library contains over 15 million volumes of work.

3)  In 2014, Yale accepted the lowest number of applicants out of all the Ivy League Universities at 6.26%.

Brown:

1) The Annmary Brown Library is actually a tomb for Rush Hawkins and Annmary Brown Hawkins (well the Library does look like a tomb right?). Every year on March 9th the tomb is decorated with flowers to commemorate Annmary Brown’s birthday.

2) There’s a rumor that a girl who steps on the imprinted seal on the stairs at pembroke campus will get pregnant while at brown.

Columbia:

1) There are six students for every member of faculty on campus. One of the lowest student/teacher ratios in the United States.

2) Columbia was originally known  as King’s College after its founder, King George II of England.

3) The country’s oldest student-run gay rights group was founded at Columbia in 1966.

Columbiapridemarch

 

Dartmouth:

1) More than 50% of Dartmouth students participate in study abroad programs. Of this, 25% go to the great land of North Korea to play basketball with Kim Jung-un and Dennis Rodman.

2)  Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel) was a member of the Dartmouth class of 1925. He was busted for illegal drinking and had to adopt the Seuss pen name to continue working on his humor magazine.

3) Dartmouth does not have an official mascot, but does have an anthropomorphic beer keg that has become a big part of their culture. See:

Ivy League Party
Ivy League Party

Check this out! 8 Reasons I’m not texting you back! 

Harvard:

1) In his dorm room at Harvard, Theodore Roosevelt kept a small collection of pets that including lobsters, snakes, and a tortoise.

rooseveltraptor

circa 1880

2) While not having the lowest acceptance rate out of the Ivy Leagues, Harvard did have the lowest total number of students accepted. 2,023 people were accepted to follow John Harvard the Pilgrim (quite possibly the most boring university mascot), into their educations futures.

3) Harvard has the largest financial endowment of any education institution in the world.  At $36.4 billion dollars, the endowment is worth more than half the worlds economies.

 

Cornell:

1) Students celebrate Dragon Day every year in March. Architecture students build a dragon and then the entire school sets it on fire.

2) Cornell students play human chess.

cornellchess

3) The amount of time spent involved in the above activity is inversely proportional to the amount of time you can expect to have a female next to you.

Read this next  Ivy League Campus Rankings

10 Ivy League Alumni Changed World

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Ivy League Campus Rankings

Ivy league Campus Rankings

Below you will find our Ivy League Campus Rankings. These rankings were contested internally between many members of our team. Ultimately this was our final list, but we welcome your feedback to your insights about how you see your campus as it compares to our rankings.

#8: Brown University
Brown University is found in Providence, Rhode Island. Not the worst city in America, but it is not exactly a major urban hub that would be ideal for a school to be located in.Plus this god awful piece of strange artwork plagues the campus only further perpetuating the notion to the fact that they are the hippies of the Ivy League.brown

In fact, the only reason many of its students have ever been to Providence is because that is where the school is located. The school is the draw, not the location. That is why many who have a choice of Ivy League schools will not go to Brown.

You can go to Ivy League schools in major cities like New York Philadelphia, or Boston, or go to ones with excellent scenic views such as Princeton or Cornell. Overall Brown University just does not have enough in terms of majestic scenery, urban appeal, or historic tradition to make it stand out in comparison with other Ivy League campuses.

#7 Yale University

Yale is plagued by the fact that it is in New Haven, Connecticut. Much like Brown being in Providence, this is not an ideal landing spot for any youthful Ivy Leaguer looking to experience the big city, or a beautiful scenic view beyond campus.

yale peabody
However the Gothic architecture has allowed for many to tout this school for having some of the most beautiful buildings of any campus nationwide.

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If you do not think so, take a look at Connecticut Hall which was actually built with a Georgian Style:
Yale’s campus is beautiful on the inside, but unfortunately the location downgrades Yale underneath its many of its competitors.

#6 Dartmouth College

The architecture providing structure for most buildings on campus is classified as Georgian. A noted feature of this campus is the greenery stemming from the beautiful landscape made up of a scope of trees that provide a background justifying the nickname for Dartmouth as the “The Green”. By happenstance the university also has a large area officially named “The green”. “The green” is the epicenter of the campus providing a common area where students enjoy festivities ranging from bonfires to Christmas trees to concerts.

The Green Dartmouth
The Green Dartmouth

Overall Dartmouth is a pristine piece of property in the middle of New Hampshire. However their setting being in New Hampshire limits the students’ ability to ingratiate themselves in an urban area such as high ranked schools like Penn or Harvard. Additionally the campus, although beautiful, is just not as majestic, large, or historical as Cornell or Princeton.

#5: University of Pennsylvania

Although it is in the heart of a major metropolitan city this campus is in the bottom half of all the Ivy League schools for a few different reasons. First, the fact that it is in the heart of a city makes it feel congested and difficult to navigate at times. Second, the student dorms with massive satellites at the top are not exactly the most luxurious. Third, this university neighbors one of the most crime ridden neighborhoods in all of the country, West Philadelphia.

In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playground at Penn is where I spent most of my days!

Ben Franklin Statue

Ben Franklin On Penn’s Campus

I hope so because if you go anywhere else West of the University you are venturing into no man’s land, and because of its proximity Penn is in fact the most crime ridden campus in all of Philadelphia according to Billy Penn. However the proximity to the heart of Philadelphia certainly is a major pro with party ready undergraduates looking to experience a major city’s nightlife.

Overall Penn’s location is both a positive and a negative, which ultimately demotes its campus to the bottom half of the whole Ivy League.

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#4: Cornell University

Do not hold the fact that Cornell is found in Ithaca, New York against it. This campus overlooks the beautiful Cayuga Lake as seen below and has six building on the National Register of Historic Places paired with a 2,800 acre botanical garden.

To say this campus is scenic is to actually sell it short.

Cornell Campus

cornellarts

Overall Cornell is not at the top spot because it is simply not in an urban hub which draws many students interest. However if one is looking for a secluded campus filled with history, and character than Cornell is certainly head and shoulders above most of the competition.

#3 Princeton University 

This campus’ most historic building, Nassau Hall, actually predates the start of the American civilization. In fact British troops once occupied it during the Revolutionary War.
Princeton Campus
Aside from that Princeton is also found on the scenic Lake Carnegie in the affluent suburbs of New Jersey. Additionally Princeton’s campus is the largest of all of the Ivy League schools with over 500 acres of property. Princeton University also finds itself comfortably located between both Philadelphia and New York City while still providing the majestic scenery that can only be offered from schools outside of the urban setting.

Princeton’s unique combination of historical significance, large space, beautiful scenery, and convenient location land itself the number three spot on our list.
#2 Columbia University

New York is known as the city which never sleeps. This is also true for the urbanite students who occupy the campus of Columbia University. These students get to enjoy all of the amenities and opportunities from living in the greatest city in the world. Columbia’s campus is the smallest of all of the Ivy League schools with 32 acres of property, but it is some of the mostprized real estate in the world as it sits on the edge of the Upper West Side.

 

Columbia University The Steps

Columbia University The Steps

Many Ivy League students are anticipating and working to one day live in New York within the financial sector, or launching their own brand or company, but Columbia’s students get to enjoy the landscape of New York immediately as undergraduates. Also not to be outdone by Cornell, Columbia University boasts more than a handful of buildings on the National Register of Historic Places.

Take one stroll down “the steps” found within Columbia University’s campus, and you will see how beautiful of a campus it really is.

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#1 Harvard University

When you have the largest endowment of any university in the world it may be easier to ensure that your campus sets itself apart from everyone else’s. However it’s not just the money which Harvard has put into the campus, but the historical prestige surrounding each building. One example is Server Hall which has been called by some as their “favorite building in America” because of its beauty.The prestige of Harvard is not limited from the buildings, but other magnificent areas like Harvard Yard. Harvard Yard is the heart and soul of the University where the most gorgeous views can be found, and the most prestigious figures like the dean as well as president of the university locate their offices.
Nearby neighbor’s campus, MIT, pales in comparison to Harvard’s campus. The housing structure allows for a more structured system for social connection between all undergrads, and the setting for the different houses to compete with each other.

Harvard Yard

Harvard Yard

Harvard has been established as an absolutely influential part of Boston by becoming the backbone of the northern suburbs just outside of Boston. It is the best parts of Penn ingratiating themselves inside the Philadelphia community without any of the crime problems which Quaker nation struggles with. Additionally the University allows students to enjoy a majestic campus experience within the confines of the campus, but also allow for the students to dive into the wonderful nightlife at the heart of Boston.

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Now Read: Top Ranked STEM University 

 

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6 Reasons to Feel Ivy League Envy

What are some of the reasons people feel jealous about the Ivy Leagues? Are there advantages about going to an Ivy League school that make people jealous?

harvard

Here’s 6 reasons you might just feel some Ivy League Envy, because apparently it’s a thing.

1.You got rejected ! One reason a person might feel envious is they got rejected and had to attend a lower tier college instead because let’s face it you weren’t exactly smart enough, ouch sometimes reality bites. But is an Ivy League education really better? Comment below…Girls who play chess

2.Ivy League graduates earn more than you!  There’s been numerous studies of graduates from the Ivy Leagues earning more money post graduation than any other graduate on the planet.princeton-cashmoney

3.Hedge Funds prefer to hire from Ivy League schools!  A recent study by Institutional Investor’s found Ivy League graduates are most in demand on Wall street, making them the envy of all other aspiring hedge fund hopefuls without an Ivy League degree.sports betting and gambling

4.Fast route to the Oval Office! If you want to be the next president then odds are that you will want to have an Ivy League education. Frontrunners for the nomination both went to Ivy League schools . Trump (Penn), Clinton (Yale), not to mention Obama(Princeton)  plus many more.Which Ivy League?

5. Networking / Social lifestyle! You will be the envy of all your friends who didn’t go to an Ivy League school.Cornell Chess

Have you seen this viral article ? 10 Places that Prove Cornell is the Prettiest Ivy 

6.Stunning campus scenery & History! It’s hard not to feel envious about the beautiful campuses and history. Unless off course your lucky enough to be an Ivy League student. Statue of Ben Franklin at the University of Pennsylvania

Read this next! If Hogwarts Schools Were Ivy League Schools 

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8 Things Incoming Penn Freshmen Should Know

University of Pennsylvania Freshmen
  1. You can do anything, or go anywhere over the summer

    • Penn has specialized departments and employees who sole job is to match prospective organizations, companies, and even governments to providing internships to Penn students. The world is now your oyster, and you just need to take advantage of it.
University of Pennsylvania Internships
Photo from: externsonthtehill.com
  1. Competition

    • Everyone around you is going to be insanely competitive. You thought AP class in high school was bad? Try macroeconomics at the school of Wharton!
University of Pennsylvania Wharton Students
Photo from whartonjournal.com
  1. Do not ever go west of 52nd St

    • University City is a diverse neighborhood with tons of multiculturalism that embodies so much of the richness that can be found within Philly. It is also a short walk or ride to Center City (the heart of Philadelphia), the food is great, and everything can be found within a reasonable walk.  However west of 52nd is not a location you want to venture because it is beyond the reach of Penn’s security, and essentially ends the comfort zone which has been created for students.
University City University of Pennsylvania Freshmen
Photo from city-data.com
  1. Your liver will hurt

    • The party scene at Penn is amazing. You can find a party nearly any night of the week. Tuesday Quizzo at Blarney’s, Wednesday Sink or Swim at Smoke’s, Thursday Frat Party, Friday Center City bar hopping, and Saturday a concert, or taking a quick drive down to AC. This is a typical week in the life of a Penn student, so gear up because Sundays should be for church and trying to save what is left of your vital organs.
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University of Pennsylvania Hungover Meme

  1. Blarney Stone & Smokey Joe’s

    • These two bars are pillars of nightlife on the Penn campus. This is especially true if you may be under 21, but looking for a place to go. Although recently they have gotten stricter with ID’s they certainly are not as tough to get into as some of the Center City bars of Philadelphia. Often you will also find yourself asking “Can I just sleep at Smoke’s because by the time I wake up I will need a pizza and have the urge to start drinking again?”
Smokey Joe's Upenn
Smokey Joe’s Photo from upenn.edu

 

  1. The bars may close at 2am, but the dorms will be raging until at least 3 or 4am

    • Unfortunately the bars close at 2am in Philadelphia. However you can find students partying throughout the night, and this is especially true for the Quad which most Penn freshmen should choose to live in anyway.

Pen Quadrangle Party

 

  1. Greek Life Parties

    • Being in a Greek organization is not an absolute defining institution to having a great social life at Penn, but it does help. The mixers are epic, the parties are huge, and the alcohol is flowing. Not to mention the alumni from each Greek life organization are always looking to help a younger brother or sister get a leg up, so it may just score you the dream job you envision upon gaining your acceptance letter from Penn.
Penn Toga Party
Upenn Toga Party
  1. Most people you graduate with will immediately be moving to New York City

    • Philadelphia is a great city which starts to feel like home after four years of undergrad, but it simply does not have the appeal that New York City does. Not to mention that New York City is also the hub for the two F’s “Fashion & Finance”. Therefore many of your Penn colleagues, and possibly even yourself will be graduating into employment within the mecca of American society.

Read this next: 6 Worst Majors of the Ivy Leagues

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7 Ways You Know You’re An Ivy League Athlete

ivy-league-athlete

1. You wear sweats to every class, and when I mean every class, every single class.

  • The awkward looks you get from the fifteen other kids in your upperclassmen sociology course who are all judging you for wearing the same sweat suit four days straight.

2. It is a constant struggle to stay awake.

  • Did you say 5 pm class? That’s so late I had morning workout at 5am this morning, I need a nap.

3. You admire how much free time the other students have.

Oh you have a 4.0 GPA? Try balancing a full workload with 30 hours per week spent at the athletic complex?
4. You may not party often, but when you do it is chaos.
 

  • Oh, well there goes Johnny again, the starting right tackle for the football team. Why is he taking all of his clothes off as he runs around bashing exit signs?

5. The guilt you have on Sunday for ruining all the workouts during the week.

  • Wow, how many calories are in a Long Island Iced Tea? I ate a whole cheesesteak last night? Damn, I’m going to pay for that tomorrow morning.

6. Walking to class in season you say? More like slow torture while climbing the Himalayas!

  • That motorized scooter for that old woman in the commercial sounds good right about now!

7. Ultimately, the feeling you get to say you were a part of something special.

  • You were a part of a brother or sister hood which cannot be broken as it was forged through competitive fire, and you can know you persevered well balancing the most challenging workload in the country.
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If Hogwarts Houses Were Ivy League Schools

Harry Potter

Warning: this article contains stereotypes of university students which may be offensive to people who can’t make fun of their own educational privilege.

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Hufflepuff: Cornell and Brown

hufflepuff

You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil

When I think of someone from Hufflepuff, all I can picture in my head is a hippie stoner.

hippie-dude-wig“peace”

But actually, this house promotes some very good things that we all need in this world like hard work, tolerance, and the recreational use of marijuana  kindness.

Cornell and Brown would definitely be Hufflepuff.

Here’s why: Cornell’s history of social liberalism coupled with their unfortunate reputation of being the most “meh” Ivy make Cornellians the ideal Hufflepuffs. Not only that, Cornell prides itself for its diversity (tolerance), and many Cornellians claim that there is waay more workload at Cornell than at Harvard (hard work), which as we all know is Cornellians’ sad effort to compensate for their “worst Ivy” reputation. The cool thing about Cornell, however, is that their campus looks a lot like Hogwarts, with it near a lake and all that.

As for Brown, do you even NEED an explanation? Student activism, stereotype of student being lazy stoners, Brunonians’ laidback attitude, you name it. Brown is literally the real world manifestation of Hufflepuff. Fun fact: Emma Watson, aka Hermione Greanger, also went this school, which I guess should have made her a Hufflepuff. (Another fun fact: Watson graduated there in 2014 and became a kickass feminist, and also ironically every straight guys’ sexual awakening)

Ravenclaw : Yale and Columbia

R_final

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind.

To me, Ravenclaw is home to the pretentious intellectuals of Hogwarts.

pretentious“I read Shakespeare when I poop”

Ravenclaw promotes values like intelligence, originality, and creativity; basically, values you’d need in order to be an insufferable hipster.

Yale and Columbia, who happen to share the same color blue for their school colors, would definitely be Ravenclaw.

Let’s face it okay, when you think about Yale, the first thing that  comes to your mind is most probably its almost too elitist academic excellence (and the second thing is probably its large gay population, but we love our gay men because this is 2015 and not 1955). Yale’s students are stereotyped to be smart, and more bookish than Harvard and Princeton, which I guess is a good thing to compensate the fact that Yaleies have to live in “the ghetto”.

On the other hand, Columbia students are known to be brooding cigarette smoking individualists, due to its predominantly urban culture. They are known to be smart hipsters who have left from their upper middle class suburban family to explore New York City in order to escape their white privilege and experience “the real world” to find the meaning of “it all”. Think of Luna Lovegood, but with more cigarettes and despair (and annoying Barnard girls running around her).

 Gryffindor: Penn and Dartmouth

G_final

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart

Gryffindor is home to the cool kids who may or may not have some deep down insecurity issues.

images“OMG I LOVE YOU GUYSS!!!! <3 <3”

Gryffindor stands for courage, chivalry, and strong will. These are very good values to have when you want to get laid in college.

Penn and Dartmouth students are true Gryffindors.

Penn is known as the social ivy, and they actually deserve that title. Not only is their school located in Philadelphia, which is full of cool bars and good restaurants, they are also known for their Greek life and awesome party scene. But don’t be fooled; while Penn’s bros are sociable and fun, you’ll also find the ambitious kids from Wharton, who, tbh, remind me more of Slytherins with their ambition to be in Wall Street and what not. ugh.

Dartmouth, on the other hand, also has some pretty cool parties and good Greek life. I guess when you’re stuck in Hanover, there is nothing else you can do but party or smoke weed all day. Dartmouth has had some issues with assholes in the past, and these cases have mostly involved greek life . Well I guess, this isn’t too far off from some Gryffindors: if you really think about it, James Potter was really a big asshole, he probably would’ve been the perfect Dartmouth bro.

 

Slytherin: Harvard and Princeton

slytherin

Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends.

Welcome to Slytherin, home of the douchebags and the trust fund babies

try460“sweg”

The house stands for ambition, power and resourcefulness, which truly are the three main reasons we all go to an Ivy League.

Seriously, do I even have to explain how Harvard and Princeton are Slytherin?

Like come on, Harvard kids are literally the epitome of douchebaggery. Sure, some kids might just be the next Einstein, but many kids are in it simply because they’re legacies (like that lil bitch Draco Malfoy), and we know how douchy some of them can be. I have to give them a break, though. Perhaps, Harvard does take some of the world’s brightest minds, and not all legacies are bad; but since nobody else in the Ivies likes Harvard, as like nobody else in Hogwarts like Slytherins, let’s just pretend all Harvard kids are the douchiest of douche.

When it comes to Princeton. Three words: elitism, athletic snobbery, legacies. Plus, Slytherin is known for their respect for traditionalism and an “Ivory Tower” attitude. It just so happens that Princeton is THE definition of an Ivory Tower. Like.. seriously, Princeton is so detached from reality, it’s literally another universe on another dimension which common peasants won’t ever understand.

Read Next:  Ivy League Campus Rankings

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6 Worst Majors In The Ivy League

Ivy League Schools

1. Viticulture & Enology (Cornell)

download (7)

Starting Salary: No one cares.

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I’ll be able to make wine, sell wine, own a winery, and just always be drunk.”

Okay we get it, you like to get wine drunk every other day in order to bear the cold in Ithaca. But don’t worry, we also get that you’re really hip and into the science and artistry behind the winemaking process.

Nevertheless, when you’re down and out in the job market, having your B.S might actually help you when you apply to work at a liquor store.

Post Graduation Thoughts: “Well shit, I guess I’ll just be drunk.”

2. Child & Family Studies (See Below)

Starting Salary: $20,000-$32,000

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I wonder how much money I could make selling my panties on reddit, or is that too weird?”

If you wanted to know which Ivy league institution offers this toilet paper degree, Columbia University.

Post Graduation Thoughts: “I wonder how much money I could make selling my used panties on reddit, or is that too weird?”

3. Anthropology (Offered by every single Ivy League School)

Starting Salary: $28,000

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I can’t wait to study the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon.”

The unemployment rate for Anthropology majors is higher than our country’s average, at 10.5% Don’t let that discourage you though, as you’ll be making a cool $28,000 dollars to help pay off your student loans post-graduation.

Post Graduation Thoughts: “Fuck, I should have just become a teacher.

4. Egyptology (Columbia)

Starting Salary: N/A

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I can’t wait to write my dissertation on the similarities and differences between today’s emojis in comparison to hieroglyphics.”

You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me, right? Imagine the look on Daddy’s face when he finds out that his prep-school valedictorian daughter is now spending his money on a degree in Egyptology with a certificate on Nile River sediment analysis.

Post Graduation Thoughts: “Am I overqualified to apply for this management position at my neighborhood Starbucks?”

5. Folklore & Mythology (Harvard)

download (8)

Starting Salary: Free Xbox Live Gold and a Reality Kings membership.

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: The Twin Towers is my favorite movie, and I don’t really have any mathematics, science, or human interaction skills.

Alan Dundes, a Berkeley professor who passed away in 2005, nicely summed up his reasoning for choosing this career path: “My professional goals are to make sense of nonsense, find a rationale for the irrational, and seek to make the unconscious conscious.” That all sounds wonderful, except that guy was a professor. I can’t imagine there are a lot of open positions in academia for Folklore & Mythology Ph.D candidates.

Nevertheless, the course textbook includes two prescriptions for medicinal marijuana to help the student on their voyage into the unconscious. Final exams are taken on psilocybin cubensis mushrooms and have resulted in a number of hospitalizations after students believed they were protecting Gondor from invading Orcs.

Post Graduation Thoughts: This home is beautiful, who said trailer parks are bad? Also, while I’m not positive, I do believe the acid is kicking in.

6. Visual Studies: Art and Culture of Seeing Concentration (University of Pennsylvania)

download (9)

Starting Salary: Ten Facebook likes per photo upload.

Pre-Graduation Thoughts: I’m extremely visual. I have like 56 Instagram followers.

With courses like “What is an image?” and “What is Visual Studies?” absolutely anyone who isn’t legally blind can succeed in graduating with this profoundly useless degree. Thankfully, if you aren’t brain dead by the time you make it to senior year you can take the Drawing 1 course. I’m sure it’s advanced.

Post Graduation Thoughts: If I went to Temple for this degree I would have enough money left over to purchase two properties on Girard Avenue.