If Hogwarts Houses Were Ivy League Schools

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Harry Potter

Warning: this article contains stereotypes of university students which may be offensive to people who can’t make fun of their own educational privilege.

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Hufflepuff: Cornell and Brown

hufflepuff

You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil

When I think of someone from Hufflepuff, all I can picture in my head is a hippie stoner.

hippie-dude-wig“peace”

But actually, this house promotes some very good things that we all need in this world like hard work, tolerance, and the recreational use of marijuana  kindness.

Cornell and Brown would definitely be Hufflepuff.

Here’s why: Cornell’s history of social liberalism coupled with their unfortunate reputation of being the most “meh” Ivy make Cornellians the ideal Hufflepuffs. Not only that, Cornell prides itself for its diversity (tolerance), and many Cornellians claim that there is waay more workload at Cornell than at Harvard (hard work), which as we all know is Cornellians’ sad effort to compensate for their “worst Ivy” reputation. The cool thing about Cornell, however, is that their campus looks a lot like Hogwarts, with it near a lake and all that.

As for Brown, do you even NEED an explanation? Student activism, stereotype of student being lazy stoners, Brunonians’ laidback attitude, you name it. Brown is literally the real world manifestation of Hufflepuff. Fun fact: Emma Watson, aka Hermione Greanger, also went this school, which I guess should have made her a Hufflepuff. (Another fun fact: Watson graduated there in 2014 and became a kickass feminist, and also ironically every straight guys’ sexual awakening)

Ravenclaw : Yale and Columbia

R_final

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind.

To me, Ravenclaw is home to the pretentious intellectuals of Hogwarts.

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pretentious“I read Shakespeare when I poop”

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Ravenclaw promotes values like intelligence, originality, and creativity; basically, values you’d need in order to be an insufferable hipster.

Yale and Columbia, who happen to share the same color blue for their school colors, would definitely be Ravenclaw.

Let’s face it okay, when you think about Yale, the first thing that  comes to your mind is most probably its almost too elitist academic excellence (and the second thing is probably its large gay population, but we love our gay men because this is 2015 and not 1955). Yale’s students are stereotyped to be smart, and more bookish than Harvard and Princeton, which I guess is a good thing to compensate the fact that Yaleies have to live in “the ghetto”.

On the other hand, Columbia students are known to be brooding cigarette smoking individualists, due to its predominantly urban culture. They are known to be smart hipsters who have left from their upper middle class suburban family to explore New York City in order to escape their white privilege and experience “the real world” to find the meaning of “it all”. Think of Luna Lovegood, but with more cigarettes and despair (and annoying Barnard girls running around her).

 Gryffindor: Penn and Dartmouth

G_final

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart

Gryffindor is home to the cool kids who may or may not have some deep down insecurity issues.

images“OMG I LOVE YOU GUYSS!!!! <3 <3”

Gryffindor stands for courage, chivalry, and strong will. These are very good values to have when you want to get laid in college.

Penn and Dartmouth students are true Gryffindors.

Penn is known as the social ivy, and they actually deserve that title. Not only is their school located in Philadelphia, which is full of cool bars and good restaurants, they are also known for their Greek life and awesome party scene. But don’t be fooled; while Penn’s bros are sociable and fun, you’ll also find the ambitious kids from Wharton, who, tbh, remind me more of Slytherins with their ambition to be in Wall Street and what not. ugh.

Dartmouth, on the other hand, also has some pretty cool parties and good Greek life. I guess when you’re stuck in Hanover, there is nothing else you can do but party or smoke weed all day. Dartmouth has had some issues with assholes in the past, and these cases have mostly involved greek life . Well I guess, this isn’t too far off from some Gryffindors: if you really think about it, James Potter was really a big asshole, he probably would’ve been the perfect Dartmouth bro.

Read Next: Don’t fall on Hogwarts Staircase

Slytherin: Harvard and Princeton

slytherin

Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends.

Welcome to Slytherin, home of the douchebags and the trust fund babies

try460“sweg”

The house stands for ambition, power and resourcefulness, which truly are the three main reasons we all go to an Ivy League.

Seriously, do I even have to explain how Harvard and Princeton are Slytherin?

Like come on, Harvard kids are literally the epitome of douchebaggery. Sure, some kids might just be the next Einstein, but many kids are in it simply because they’re legacies (like that lil bitch Draco Malfoy), and we know how douchy some of them can be. I have to give them a break, though. Perhaps, Harvard does take some of the world’s brightest minds, and not all legacies are bad; but since nobody else in the Ivies likes Harvard, as like nobody else in Hogwarts like Slytherins, let’s just pretend all Harvard kids are the douchiest of douche.

When it comes to Princeton. Three words: elitism, athletic snobbery, legacies. Plus, Slytherin is known for their respect for traditionalism and an “Ivory Tower” attitude. It just so happens that Princeton is THE definition of an Ivory Tower. Like.. seriously, Princeton is so detached from reality, it’s literally another universe on another dimension which common peasants won’t ever understand.

Read Next:  Ivy League Campus Rankings

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Comments

comments

28 COMMENTS

  1. Princeton IS an ivy school. And they did include Columbia. The article was obviously made in jest but of course there is some truth to it.

  2. But some of these schools aren’t true ivies. Any school with a double digit acceptance rate shouldn’t be considered on this list.

  3. Really? Columbia is a Gryffindor if there ever is one (Dartmouth is Hufflepuff, and Cornell can probably be relocated to Ravenclaw). Columbia’s students come from all over the world to live in the most fast-paced and vibrant city there is, and its mascot is even a lion

  4. This made me literally laugh out loud, Columbia was totally a bunch of hipster ravenclaw-like nerds. And we can’t ALL be in griffindor, which is kinda the point…

  5. Columbia and Yale both are blue and white, but NOT the same color blue. Columbia is a light blue (actually called “Columbia blue”), whereas Yale is more somewhere between royal and navy.

  6. This has got to be the stupidest page I’ve ever read. Clearly this clown went to some third rate school. Anyone at any of these schools would have gone to Princeton or Harvard if they had been smart enough to get in.

  7. Having attended Penn undergrad and Princeton Grad School, I can tell you that Princeton students are the most down-to-earth, compassionate, and diverse group of people I’ve ever met. I think whatever school the author attended is “literally the epitome of douchebaggery” to have produced such a petty author.

  8. Nice attempt at trying to beat down Princeton, but I got in with none of that “elitism, athletic snobbery, legacies”. In fact, it might be one of the most difficult Ivies course-wise, especially with the lingering effects of grade deflation, and it isn’t like we throw money around and do nothing. We still work very hard, same as students at other schools. Nice try Penn.

  9. This squib needs a copy editor. “Like, seriously, Princeton is so detached from reality, it’s literally another universe on another dimension.” If that sentence is offensive, it’s the grammar, not the content. It looks like it was written with a worn-out Spell-Checking Quill in smudged ink. Sincerely, a Slytherin.

  10. ugh come on people have a sense of humor. Majority of these comments are proving just what those who did not attend an Ivy probably think of us who did. Lighten up. If you went to an Ivy you can’t tell me you never had any of these same thoughts or joked about your own school. But (I hope) we all know how fortunate we are/were to be able to have attended any of these…. Laugh a little!!!

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