1. Viticulture & Enology (Cornell)
Starting Salary: No one cares.
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I’ll be able to make wine, sell wine, own a winery, and just always be drunk.”
Okay we get it, you like to get wine drunk every other day in order to bear the cold in Ithaca. But don’t worry, we also get that you’re really hip and into the science and artistry behind the winemaking process.
Nevertheless, when you’re down and out in the job market, having your B.S might actually help you when you apply to work at a liquor store.
Post Graduation Thoughts: “Well shit, I guess I’ll just be drunk.”
2. Child & Family Studies (See Below)
Starting Salary: $20,000-$32,000
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I wonder how much money I could make selling my panties on reddit, or is that too weird?”
If you wanted to know which Ivy league institution offers this toilet paper degree, Columbia University.
Post Graduation Thoughts: “I wonder how much money I could make selling my used panties on reddit, or is that too weird?”
3. Anthropology (Offered by every single Ivy League School)
Starting Salary: $28,000
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I can’t wait to study the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon.”
The unemployment rate for Anthropology majors is higher than our country’s average, at 10.5% Don’t let that discourage you though, as you’ll be making a cool $28,000 dollars to help pay off your student loans post-graduation.
Post Graduation Thoughts: “Fuck, I should have just become a teacher.
4. Egyptology (Columbia)
Starting Salary: N/A
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: “I can’t wait to write my dissertation on the similarities and differences between today’s emojis in comparison to hieroglyphics.”
You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me, right? Imagine the look on Daddy’s face when he finds out that his prep-school valedictorian daughter is now spending his money on a degree in Egyptology with a certificate on Nile River sediment analysis.
Post Graduation Thoughts: “Am I overqualified to apply for this management position at my neighborhood Starbucks?”
5. Folklore & Mythology (Harvard)
Starting Salary: Free Xbox Live Gold and a Reality Kings membership.
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: The Twin Towers is my favorite movie, and I don’t really have any mathematics, science, or human interaction skills.
Alan Dundes, a Berkeley professor who passed away in 2005, nicely summed up his reasoning for choosing this career path: “My professional goals are to make sense of nonsense, find a rationale for the irrational, and seek to make the unconscious conscious.” That all sounds wonderful, except that guy was a professor. I can’t imagine there are a lot of open positions in academia for Folklore & Mythology Ph.D candidates.
Nevertheless, the course textbook includes two prescriptions for medicinal marijuana to help the student on their voyage into the unconscious. Final exams are taken on psilocybin cubensis mushrooms and have resulted in a number of hospitalizations after students believed they were protecting Gondor from invading Orcs.
Post Graduation Thoughts: This home is beautiful, who said trailer parks are bad? Also, while I’m not positive, I do believe the acid is kicking in.
6. Visual Studies: Art and Culture of Seeing Concentration (University of Pennsylvania)
Starting Salary: Ten Facebook likes per photo upload.
Pre-Graduation Thoughts: I’m extremely visual. I have like 56 Instagram followers.
With courses like “What is an image?” and “What is Visual Studies?” absolutely anyone who isn’t legally blind can succeed in graduating with this profoundly useless degree. Thankfully, if you aren’t brain dead by the time you make it to senior year you can take the Drawing 1 course. I’m sure it’s advanced.
Post Graduation Thoughts: If I went to Temple for this degree I would have enough money left over to purchase two properties on Girard Avenue.